Dear me from 8 months ago -
Hi. I would say I hope all is well, but I know it’s not. Right now, you’re going through one of the toughest things you’ve ever faced in your adult life so far. This is different from anything you’ve ever experienced, and will change you forever. I know that right now, you’re balancing on a steep ledge. I know you’re contemplating letting yourself fall. I know you’ve spent more time calculating the distance from the edge to the ground than you’ve spent hours sleeping, and for that I am sorry. I want to give you the apology you’re never going to receive, so at least one version of us can hear it. I know that I never will. And I’ve learned to accept that fact. Within the next two months, you’re going to find your way out. And you’re going to have a lot of people to thank. Don’t hide from them. They’re trying their best to help you, and only want what will keep you safe. Most importantly, though, stop to thank yourself too. You made the choice to listen and take their advice. You made the decision yourself. And from where I’m standing, I’m so damn proud of you. Unfortunately, your celebration will not last long. I’m not going to lie to you. This is going to destroy you over the next few months. Finishing the year will be your motivation, and studying will become your way to numb everything you’re feeling. But it’s not just going to go away. You won’t be better the next day, but I know you’ll tell everyone you’re fine anyway. It’s okay to say you’re not. Your roommate will understand, your friends will understand. You’re going to connect with amazing people, and your heart will start to beat in sync with someone else’s in the midst of the chaos. You won’t expect it, but have a happy Valentine’s day. You’re going to make a lot of good and bad decisions, but you need to know that it’s okay. Let yourself. Holding back will get you nowhere, and staying silent will not last long. It will claw its way from the pit of your stomach through your throat so when you finally sit in the Title IX office, your voice will creak as if you hadn’t spoken in years. Let yourself say what you need to say. It’s going to be so important to have that ability. That is your privilege. Take it. Of course, you’re going to have your bad days. Some manageable, some completely unbearable. But you have people who love you in your life. People you never expect are there for you, and you’ll learn to reach out. You’ll be surprised how kind people are when you do. But know this - you ARE going to get better. 8 months feels like forever from then, but it’s not. Living it felt like 2 weeks. Everything changes, everything rearranges, everything resettles again. You’re going to find peace in new things. Don’t give up on yourself, no matter how much you might think you want to. You are so much stronger than you think. Everything is going to test you - it’s going to hurt. But you’re going to rise from the rubble stronger than when the building collapsed, and I’m proud of how much progress we made. Keep going. You’ve got this, but you have to believe it too. Love, You
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Sometimes, we don't have the time to sit and journal, or the means to find a therapist that suits us. These are always nice things to have, of course, but there are resources that we can use until we are able to get to a point where those types of things are more readily accessible. So today I want to share a few of the apps I've tried (and loved) for recording, writing, or expressing any feelings you might have during your busy days.
We all have our off days. Some of us have them more often than others, some have periods where all we have is off days, and some of us have periods where we go without them for a while. Whatever the case may be, bad days are a normal part of every day life - with AND without mental/chronic illness. Here are 5 things to keep in mind when you’re feeling that way.
We all have this friend (or we might BE this friend!). One who seems like they might be a bit more steady on their feet, is always there when you need them, and seems like they have everything figured out. Often times, though, this friend might be just as unsteady as anyone else. Everyone has problems, worries, and things that go wrong during their every day life. If you are this friend, you might feel like its hard to vocalize when you're feeling poor, because you want to be there for other people. I often find myself in this position, and it's hard to be honest with yourself when you're not feeling great.
It is always important to be aware of your resources. You never know what you might need some day, and should know where you can go to get it. Unfortunately, there are many times on college campuses where students are discriminated against, or mistreated. Fortunately, though, on campus students can find their Title IX office. This post will be purely informational, and filled with resource links. I want to help those who might not understand what Title IX is, and what it can do for them.
We all have some sort of routine that we stick to. Wake up, maybe eat or shower, get a backpack ready, self care, you name it. Everyone has something we do in the morning, afternoon, and night that is somewhat constant. Having routines paired with mental illness can prove to have a lot of benefits. It gives you the structure you might need, and helps you stay on top of things when you’re feeling less than your normal self.
At some point in the path of recovery, formal diagnosis may be a landmark on your journey. For some, this brings great relief, because it gives a name to the feelings and thoughts they've been having. For others, it might bring feelings of anxiety or apprehension, because let's be honest - words like 'clinical depression', 'anxiety', and 'post-traumatic stress' carry a lot of weight to them. More than I think we realize, sometimes. It's a foreign concept, that the chemicals in your brain might be a little more scrambled than other people you know, that your life jumbled up the alphabet soup in your brain to spell out words you don't quite know how to read yet. It's scary, for sure. I want to share my stories about my diagnosis(es) in hopes that maybe I can help people look at it a bit differently, for anyone who is in the process of being diagnosed, or has just been given a diagnosis.
What is PTSD? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, is defined as a disorder in which a person has difficulty recovering after witnessing or experiencing a traumatic event. It looks different in everyone, with a vast list of symptoms an individual can exhibit, such as insomnia, flashbacks, and social isolation. According to NIMH, "Nearly everyone will experience a range of reactions after trauma, yet most people recover from initial symptoms naturally. Those who continue to experience problems may be diagnosed with PTSD." Not every traumatized person experiences PTSD symptoms, but some do. You can visit this page for more information on PTSD.
It is very common for your emotions to get the best of you at times. Recovery is overwhelming, stressful, and exhausting, so it is normal to need an outlet to let it all go. For the longest time, I would bottle everything up until I exploded, which I quickly learned is absolutely not the way to go. Overtime I've developed better habits, which have helped me learn how to better manage and cope with all of the stress that comes with balancing recovery and every day life. Under the Read More are some of my ways to express myself - hopefully they can be of help to you!
As someone who suffers from depression, I know how difficult it can be to get yourself out of bed some days. This feels like a major setback, especially when you want nothing more than to be able to get things done, or feel like your normal self. Here are a few tips on how to feel productive on these days, even if it isn’t much.
1. Open your windows/shades. It’s something that can be done with minimal effort - whenever I’m feeling a bit rough, having my room flooded with light always seems to make it a bit better. Hiding away in a dark room allows you to feel trapped or stuffy, but when you let the light in both physically and mentally, you can start to see everything a bit differently. (Plus, sunshine always feels nice on the skin!) If you can, open your windows to let your room air out, and breathe. Let the breeze in! 2. I recommend that if possible, you keep a little “self-care” box close by, so this requires a little extra preparation. Weekly, if you can, put in little snacks that are enough to keep you fed and hydrated if you can’t get up right away. Things like granola bars, crackers, water bottles, etc. Are perfect. My favorite is Nature Valley Oats & Honey bars, as they’re not too big, and are easy to store. Put in a few little treats, like a favorite candy or other sweet/salty food, to give yourself something nice as well. You deserve nice things! 3. Play some music. Create a playlist of ‘good vibes’ songs for yourself, and let them play out! You don’t have to get up and dance around, but let yourself enjoy your snack with some good music and open light. Youtube, Spotify, Apple Music, and Soundcloud are good places to look! Spotify offers free memberships, as well as Soundcloud and Youtube - while Apple Music requires paid membership. 4. Call a friend, or reach out to someone who knows and understands your situation. I often times give my best friend a quick call or text, and even if I’m feeling too low to talk, she is patient and kind, which usually helps me slowly crawl out of my sad shell. If you don’t have this person, head over to Youtube and watch a favorite Youtuber, or search for wellness Youtubers who offer tips and other things! 5. Once you feel you can manage, try to slide your legs over the side of your bed and stretch. Let your muscles loosen a bit, be mindful of how your body feels and try to ground yourself. Everything will be okay! If you feel you can try to get up, bring yourself to toss out any wrappers, maybe even shower (or take a very nice long bath) while you’re at it. The little things matter. Once you’re up - go after the day! You’ve done good things, to keep yourself healthy, clean, and comfortable. I hope this helps, and I’m proud of your progress! |
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